Why Patong, Phuket’s Beach town in Thailand, SUCKS!

Patong is like a pile of shit where tourists congregate like flies. No I’m not referring to the stench of sewage emanating from the sewage ducts right next to the kebab salesman. But more in a general sense of a place existing only for tourists seeking pleasure.

Staying in Patong for a while made me think about formulating a definition of “hell”. A place where everyone goes solely for the purpose of pleasure. But this is all quite general, let me be more specific what I didn’t like in Patong.

This was my first time in Patong. Twenty years ago I did an organized bus “group trip” across Thailand. We stayed in Phuket Town for 2 or 3 nights, and completely skipped Patong. Of course we also did a boat trip to James Bond Island, which was out in Nature and fun to see. Now I understand why skipping Patong is a good idea.

To the average devil in Patong, looking for Thai hookers and kinky massages, they would be happier in Hell than in Heaven. But if this isn’t you, then skip Patong – as the good saints would tell you.

Terrible Food

Before arriving in Thailand I held Thai food in high esteem. Because during the organized bus trip long ago, they took us to the best restaurants across Thailand every day. To the places with top food hygiene, and with highest tourist value. Usually the most upmarket Thai buffets in Town.

But in Patong, the restaurants merely exist to make bucks out of desperate tourists who need something to fill the stomach and relieve hunger. All food is doused in MSG, white sugar and other unnatural disease-causing chemicals and substances.

If you’re used to clean food back home, then in Patong you’d have to eat unhealthy food 3 times a day in bad restaurants. Maybe if you have inside knowledge, you’ll eventually know 1 or 2 restaurants out of the hundreds that serve healthier, cleaner food. But for the average man Patong is food hell.

There is street-food markets all over the place, but they barely have running water. They don’t rinse the vegetables or meats before they cook. How can that be healthy. Obviously they also don’t rinse their hands. No indication of hygiene. It doesn’t taste bad, but that’s true for all fast food. Fast Food kills you slowly, but it tastes “good”.

So I plucked out the HappyCow app to see if there’s any hope for Patong’s food scene. I found one or 2 food joints, but they were also close to rubbish. These were health quick-service type restaurants, but even their food sucked big time. They don’t cut out the brown part of the avocado before serving it to you. Instead they simply mash up the brown part along with the green part and hope you don’t notice. Screw ’em. White-bread sour-dough paninis. Chicken suspiciously undercooked. Chef probably as could-care-less about hygiene and food standards as everywhere else in Patong. At least they topped off the bread with sunflower sprouts …a small miracle for Patong.

After this one, I tried another upmarket Thai food joint on the HappyCow app. It seemed clean and healthier on the surface, yet still added chemicals and white sugar to all their food. In Patong, the HappyCowApp became the SadCowApp.

Patong is a place where companies simply want to mechanically make money from tourists. Like in a factory-farm chicken operation. There is no emotion in it. Raise the chickens and slaughter ’em. And by the way, you won’t find any free-range organic antibiotic-free chicken in Patong, whether dead or alive.

In Patong, if the meal says Shrimp with Broccoli, they’ll cut up broccoli stems along with the 3 or so shrimps. With luck there’ll be more than 3 broccoli florets as well along with the stems. In the Western restaurants we mostly throw away broccoli stems. But in Patong that’s your food: It’s about maximizing money for the restaurant. It’s how it goes in hell everyday.

White Rice!

This is presented with EVERY Thai meal. Similar to white bread, made with white flour, white rice is a nutritionally depleted bio-weapon which directly cause nutritional deficiencies.

In Bangkok, I’ve been to some health restaurants that give you wholegrain brown rice instead of white rice. Because they care for your health. But in Patong, you’re simply a screw in a cogwheel. Like a dog in a bad system they’re simply trying to fill up with some grimy sh1te. This is all to get you to shut your mouth about being hungry, so that you can keep on spending your cash on their tourist activities.

I’m not surprised that the wholesome Thai chefs don’t open up shop in Patong. If I was them, I also would not want to live in that shit-hole village. Meanwhile, remember: Patong Thai food is a bioweapon like the covid vaccine, meant to harm your health.

Think twice about staying in hell. Rather get a hotel in Phuket Town like that good bus-tour company 20 years ago. Or even better, how about staying on Phi-Phi Island instead?

Sugar in all food

Do you realize that all mainstream Thai food contains white sugar? In Bangkok I found some health-conscious Thai chefs that add coconut- or palm-sugar instead of white sugar in their Thai meals. And I fully support their restaurants. But in Patong, there is basically white sugar in almost every Thai meal served.

White sugar = cancer. White sugar = a spoonful of inflammation. Thanks white foreigner, here’s your meal along with a spoonful of inflammation! May you die! Kidding. They don’t really give a f^%k if you die or not. But they simply want their money (which currently happens to still be sitting in your wallet). And they want for you to stop complaining about being hungry.

Patong Thai Food is similar to e.g. Mcdonalds in the West. Utter trash junk food. But people still eat it because they are dumbed down about the direct food / health link. Yeah you are what you eat, but they don’t care because they’re NPC’s brainwashed to be unhealthy drones.

Sex tourism

I’ve always seen sex tourism as lame. Why pay for something that’s free to everyone with half-decent social skills.

However, there are corporate men who sell their souls to corporations. They then end up wandering around like soulless devils at night in Patong checking which Thai lady-devil would satisfy them sexually on that specific night. Some of these lady-devils are called lady-boys. Men pretending to be women. Fake t1ts. Soulless corporate devils probably don’t even care that much if its a trans-freak or whatever. The soulless lady-boys and Thai-she-devils of Patong want to freelance and destroy themselves with sex-work and drugs until their lives improve.

The nightlife in Patong is famous, and there is that nightlife street, Bangla Road. But it’s a sex tourism nightlife. It’s not a regular Western clubbing nightlife where people simply go out to drink and meet regular people. Instead its half-naked strippers dancing on tables, sex shows, ping pong shows, erotic massages, weed parlors, etc. Thus, a plastic kinda nightlife. Nothing authentic.

There’s the beer pong at the Backpacker bar for some Western degeneracy of drinking beer tainted by a dirty ping pong ball hopping on the floor where everyone walks with their urinal piss-stenched shoes.

Thanks to Bangla Road, Patong is the worst of the worst. The worse of the West’s sex tourists pay to experience the worst of Thailand.

Only Tourists In Patong

Of course there are also good local Thai people, but they live in their villages or somewhere else away from the tourist hell of Patong.

Patong is not about the local Thai way of living. It’s a town made up of only tourists. The Thai locals working there probably have an amount of disdain for the tourists swarming in Patong like flies to shit. I doubt the local Thais would even go to Patong on holiday. And the disdain is reflected in the poor quality food, bad hygiene, etc.

Handsy Masseuse Street Male Sexual Harassment

Thailand is 3rd world. Africa is 4th world because in Africa (e.g. South Africa/Zimbabwe/etc) there isn’t even electricity. But at least, electricity is guaranteed in Thailand. So you don’t have to worry about a power outage spoiling your Thai Massage.

However, since Patong is 3rd world, when you walk past a masseur shop, expect some unprovoked sexual harassment if you’re an attractive fit male. This includes female (or she-male) hands on your ass, your arms, stomach. And woman blocking you physically with their hands from directly up front trying to sell massages. If only they’d stay 3 feet away it would be OK. But instantaneous groping to sell their service is a little over-the-top.

You could throw attitude. But its easier to simply avoid the side-walk. Walk in the road instead, every time you walk past those overzealous massage shops. This way, you won’t experience any Massage Therapist harassment.

Recently in Bangkok, while walking past similar shops, the girls simply softly touch your arms. It feels more like a compliment. But going for the ass straight away like in Patong is looking for trouble, no matter which gender.

Transport SUCKS

Public transport is non-existent in Patong. There is the tuk-tuks and the equally expensive taxis. But it’s so expensive simply to go to Phuket Town, that you end up simply not going to Phuket Town. This is why all the backpackers rent scooters to drive around as a sole viable means of transport. But nowadays the Thai police are clamping down heavily on unlicensed scooter drivers.

It’s not enough simply to have a motorcycle license, you also need to convert it to an international motorcycle driving permit. Considering the shit public transport, it’s understandable that so many backpackers are still taking the risk of a 1000 Bhat fine and renting a bike anyway.

I would even take the risk myself. But the added admin burden of trying to go pay this fine afterwards in some shady Thai Government building, potentially waiting in a long line first, is almost a bigger deterrent than the fine itself. Then the other factor is being held up by Thai Traffic Cops going through your passport, and other details while writing you a fine which you can’t avoid paying if you ever want to return to Thailand again in the future.

The cost of the bike rental is 350 Baht for one day. Nowadays with cops eager for work, make that 1350 Baht for the unlicensed devils who are congesting the roads for everyone else.

 

Any First world or Second world country would at least have a decent bus system. Patong has nothing (…worth mentioning anyway). If you travel in a group of friends, then taxis or tuk-tuks are more affordable as you can split the fares at all times. Thus, you could see all of the island with no hassles at a reasonable rate. But for solo travelers, you’re stuck in hell – Patong. You won’t see the glimpses of heaven outside of this one area of the massive Phuket island.

Going to the airport from Patong is also very expensive with no public transport options.

But at least it’s very cheap going from the airport to Patong. There is a shared minivan service running from the airport for 150 Baht to Patong and other parts of Phuket island. Unfortunately this only applies when you arrive at the airport, and not when you leave again, in which case hotel can phone an expensive taxi, or use the equally pricey uber-alternative: Grab, if you have a local sim card.

No self-catering accommodation available

This is the root cause of the problem. Because Hotels maximize profits, they don’t feel like giving you a kitchen. If you pay insane amounts of money you may find one or two self-catering options. But self-catering is standard and widely available in big cities at reasonable rates. Not in Patong. Here you must eat out at every meal.

Accept your poison. Because due to the chemical ingredients in local Thai food, you can almost say they’re deliberately trying to poison you with every meal.

Eating out at every meal must be the definition of hell. ESPECIALLY if there isn’t any “health food scene” whatsoever, which you find everywhere in Western Europe. Basically, when you’re in the third world, you preferably want your own kitchen once in a while. If not all the time.

Patong could actually be a decent place if it had more self-catering accommodation available. You are what you eat, or what you fuel your body with. If you’re a decent home chef, with a self-catering kitchen, you can almost ignore this article. Because there are one or two great supermarkets in Patong (e.g. the Big C Extra Supermarket) to get healthy ingredients for home-cooking.

Conclusion – Patong Sucks Anyway

Of course, Phuket has its nicer areas, like PhiPhi Island, Maya bay, James Bond Island in PhangNga, Krabi (further away). There is also some quieter less touristic beaches down south, which is unreachable to most tourists due to lack of public transport availability.

But in general, Patong is hell. Many experienced Thailand travelers would even agree with this conclusion. They’d tell you to check out areas less spoiled by mass tourism. Maybe Koh Phangan or Koh Samui. Chiang Mai, Bangkok, Krabi, or simply anywhere else than Patong. Anyway, that’s what I would tell you as well.

But if you’re a devil, you may be more comfortable in hell than in Heaven. And maybe Patong is still a good place for you.

After a few days I fell ill from the food in Patong. I partly attribute it to “culture shock”. As upfront I thought Thai food is great, when presented in a clean way. But in Patong, with bad street-food hygiene, bad restaurants, grimy chemical sauces in all dishes, white rice, white sugar, and other reasons above. It was a culture shock.

So spending more than 2 nights in Patong is a risk to your health. But I’d rather simply go stay in Phuket Town anyway if you want to explore the nature around the island. Do some great diving, swimming, hiking and snorkelling. And screw Patong. You are better than that place.

Disclaimer: Of course, the country of Thailand (as a whole) can be really awesome with it’s unique culture and things to do. I’m mostly only criticising specifically Patong with this article. However, as I’ve mentioned, Patong could even be a decent place if you get Airbnb-style self-catering accommodation. But this is really hard to find, especially in high season.

Yet, my criticism of Mainstream Thai Food stands. It’s generally not health-conscious food. Unless you modify the ingredients yourself. However, if you’re visiting Bangkok, check out my Bangkok Healthy Restaurant Guide for a deep-dive into healthier Thai Food Options in Thailand’s Fascinating Capital City.

Have you ever been to Patong, Phuket, or Thailand? Comment below your own views, tips and questions to other South East Asian Adventurers!